


Brave the Tide (for things will get better)

by HalcyonStars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel and Jimmy Novak Are Twins, Depressed Castiel, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 19:31:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3300977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalcyonStars/pseuds/HalcyonStars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It would be so easy to break free of the ropes that bound him, that kept him out of reach of his brother. One step and they could be reunited. By the look on Dean’s face, he could tell precisely what Castiel was thinking. The question was whether he could save him or not before he jumped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brave the Tide (for things will get better)

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't particularly heavy but I've decided to add in a warning just in case:
> 
> Trigger warnings: depression, aborted suicide attempt

Five months.

It had been five months since Castiel Novak’s life had turned upside down. Five months since that fateful incident, that saw the death of the person he held most dear.

It wasn’t fair. One minute life could be beautiful, you could have everything you’d ever wanted and more, and then some stupid drunk driver could come and take it all away from you. That night Castiel had lost a sister-in-law, he’d lost his niece. He’d lost his twin brother.

Jimmy was the picture of a perfect husband. On a deep level Castiel had always felt slightly jealous of him, but said jealousy was far overridden when he saw how happy his brother was; great job, beautiful house, loving wife, healthy daughter. 

They were the light in Castiel’s otherwise meaningless life. And now they were gone. What was the point anymore? 

Castiel stood in front of the gravestone, seemingly the only person willing to brave the icy chill. He was alone in the cemetery, alone but with the headstone that read the names of James, Amelia and Claire Novak.  
‘Forever in our Hearts,’ the slab read. It was so inadequate. It didn’t even begin to describe the incredible man his brother had been. When Castiel was bullied in school, Jimmy was there to cheer him up. Or when their parents decided to throw Castiel out of home because they disagreed with his “lifestyle choices,” Jimmy had told them to screw themselves, and “If Cas is leaving, then say goodbye to me too.” It hadn’t mattered that Jimmy was only older by a couple of minutes, he was still Cas’ big brother, and he played that part til the day he died. 

As his tears fell, so too did the rain from above, the grey skies seemingly mirroring his own aching heart. He felt the raindrops kiss his skin, and knew if he stayed exposed for too long he would get ill. It’s not like it mattered to him much, he wouldn’t be alive long enough to feel its effects.

He made his way through rows among rows of plaques and headstones, the occasional mausoleum making itself known. It was in this place of loss and despair he felt most at home. His depression had long since plagued his mind, growing and attacking him like a tumour. Slowing consuming all the joy he had in his life until all that was left was misery. Jimmy had been his anchor to life, the one that inspired him to soldier on. “Keep fighting,” he’d said, “because it’s going to get better in the future, and when it does, you’ll be happy that you’re still alive.” He’d always listened to Jimmy when he said that. 

Then again, he always thought that Jimmy would be a part of that future.

He passingly recognised the tall wrought iron gates as he left the cemetery. The graveyard bled into the sidewalk, the sidewalk bled into the edge of the peer, and the next thing Castiel knew, he gazed down into the crashing waves. It was below freezing out.  
Fully clothed, rough waves; He knew once he broke the surface, he wouldn’t come back up.

That was his intention when he stepped over the railing onto the ledge. 

The crashing waves bellow him were so contradictory to his thoughts. The sea was a force of commotion, whitewash water creeping up the beams of the pier, as if trying to grab hold of Castiel’s ankles to pull him into the deep. They needn’t try so hard, he was coming to them.

It was in that moment where he lifted one foot and began to lean forward, that he felt an eerily sense of calm overwhelm him. He was so tired. So tired of fighting and clinging to life. The resignation was relaxing; like lying down after a full day of work; like drinking water after going so long without it.

Life was a desert, death would quench Castiel’s thirst.

He’d imagined this very moment many times. He’d imagined himself scared, content, relieved, but not once did he imagine a booming voice to interrupt his moment of serenity.

“Wait! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” Castiel turned back to see a tall man, dark blonde hair stained a medium brown by the rain and plastered to his forehead. Even under the storming whether and black skies Castiel could make out the vivid green of the eyes that stared back at him. He felt bad that the man would have to see this, it would probably be quite a disturbing sight to watch; He would be a burden.

Always a burden. 

“Please, if you do not want to see this, just go and leave me be.” The blue eyed man slightly loosened his grip in the railing, swaying towards the water below.

“No, please! Don’t do this. You don’t want to do this.”

“And how would you know what I want?” Castiel yelled back. 

“Because I’ve been exactly where you are, man.”

“You have no idea what I’m feeling. You know nothing about me.”

“Then tell me.” Castiel knew this man was just trying to stall him, bide his time until he could convince him to step off the ledge and back to the safety of solid ground. He knew this, yet he felt the need to tell him about it, to let it all out. He had nothing to lose.

“My name is Castiel Novak. My brother and his family were killed.” The man gave him a sad look, and Castiel was instantly angered by it. “Don’t pity me. I don’t need it.”

The man shook his head. “I don’t pity you, but can I tell you something?”

“Don’t tell me it’ll get better! I’ve been fed that crap since I was sixteen years old. Nothing ever gets better. You have your slightly better days only to feel like shit the next. Nothing gets better, so don’t even try to say it.”

“I actually wanted to say I know what you’re going through.” Cas scoffed, but the blonde went on. “My name is Dean Winchester. My brother lost his girlfriend, who was practically his fiancé, when he was twenty-two years old. He went into a real dark place after that. Started skipping his classes, got involved with this shady chick, Ruby. Actually, the word evil bitch suits her better. She turned him to drugs and he got addicted real bad.” 

Even though the rain was pouring and heavy, Castiel could still distinguish what came from the sky and what fell from Dean’s eyes. He recognised the pain in his orbs, he saw it every day in the mirror. 

“Anyways, I tell him to break it off with her; that he was throwing away his future and if he insisted on destroying his life I wasn’t going to hang around and watch him do it. I told him to choose between her and me, and he picked her.”

There was a long pause when all Castiel could hear was the droplets beating a tattoo of pitter-pattering on the boardwalk. For a moment the darker haired man was sure he wasn’t going to continue, but Dean went on.

“I was too late. I called him to apologise and he wouldn’t pick up. I went to his apartment to see if he was okay, but… I found him face down in a pool of his own vomit.” Dean turned his eyes from the floor, and Cas heard the pained gasp over the howling winds. “I lost my brother, my best friend that night. So believe me Cas, I know exactly how you feel.”

Castiel, lets out a pained sob. “But it hurts. It hurts so much and I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I want him back and he’s never coming back.” All of a sudden Castiel’s vision is obscured by the tears that have assaulted his eyes. “Oh God, he’s gone forever. I don’t want to live without him.” 

The cries he emitted were purely ones of agony and heartache, the full force of the situation hitting him. Never again would he see Jimmy. His protector. His guardian. The man he couldn’t stand to go a week without he was now held from by the binds of life.

It would be so easy to break free of the ropes that bound him, that kept him out of reach of his brother. One step and they could be reunited. By the look on Dean’s face, he can tell precisely what Castiel was thinking.

“He wouldn’t want you to do this!” And if he didn’t just find Castiel’s weak spot. “He’d want you to keep on living. Because when it eventually gets better you’ll be happy that you decided not to jump.”

“How? H- How did y-you know that he – he would say that?” Cas’ tears were unrelenting now, a continuous downpour, speech stuttered as the freezing temperatures caused his teeth to chatter.

“Because that’s what I told myself when I was about to jump.” Dean inched closer, slowly, as if approaching a wild animal. He had his hand outstretched, waiting for Castiel to grab it at any moment. 

The cold was getting to him now, the immense weight of the rain and waterlogged clothes weighing him down was making it hard for him to hold onto the railing. He had to make his choice soon, or else the choice would be made for him. 

He gazed into moss green eyes as he asked, “Does it really get better?”

The laugh he got in return strangely brought a hesitant smile to Castiel’s face, but a smile nonetheless. The first he had worn in five months. Though Dean’s smile was sad, there was nothing but truth and honestly in his features when he admitted that it really does.

“Ok. Ok help me off.” Relief flooded Dean’s features, but it was short-lived when Castiel’s tried to turn and his foot slipped on the slick, narrow edge of the ledge.

Dean’s outstretched hand curled around Castiel as fast as he could command it to move, and he grasped the shaking man before he could fall into the merciless depths bellow.  
They were both tremoring, the close call scaring them to the point of paralysis. Dean simply held the man before him until he was confident enough to move his limbs and guide him to safety. The whole time Castiel slowly manoeuvred his legs over the railing, his chest staying pressed to Deans, their breaths intermingling in their proximity.

Once they both had two feet firmly planted on the deck of the pier, they gaze into each other’s eyes, Castiel’s filled with uncertainty and fear. He silently asked, “please don’t leave me alone right now,” and when Dean slowly, nodded his head and brought him into a warm embrace, Cas knew he’d said yes.

*

Three years later

Castiel laid down a bouquet of flowers by the headstone. The flowers were lilies; though Jimmy had always claimed they were Amelia’s favourites, he knew that his brother was just trying to hide his love of the delicate flower. Amelia’s favourite were roses. Whenever Castiel would bring by lilies to their house when he visited for dinner, he’d hand Jimmy the flowers and would always be greeted with a “thank you, Cas. Amelia will love them.” While Jimmy went to find a vase to keep them in, Cas and Amelia would laugh fondly behind his back.

Next to the gentle flora, he placed a stuffed bunny for Claire, who would have been the tender age of seven by now. 

Castiel shuffled his feet awkwardly. “Hello, Jimmy. I guess it’s been a while since I visited. I have been slightly busy lately. New job, just moved into my new house. It is quite lovely, I believe you would have enjoyed spending time there. I just wanted to say thank you, for all the times you saved me. I wouldn’t be here living my wonderful life right now if it wasn’t for you. I’m grateful you told me to keep fighting.” 

Castiel heard the crunch of leaves as gentle hands wrapped around his waist and pulled him in, his back pressed against a warm chest. He felt warm breath on his neck before soft lips peppered kisses to his nape, before moving up to his jaw.

“Did you visit Sam’s grave, Dean?” He asked, turning his head at an awkward angle to catch his fiancé’s lips in a chaste kiss. 

“Sure did babe. Heya, Jimmy. I promise I’m taking real good care of your brother.” They both let out a little chuckle, swaying lightly in the calm breeze. “We going now?” Castiel nodded the affirmative, before asking for a few minutes alone with his brother. He followed Dean with his eyes, filled with love and adoration as the taller man made his way to the car.

He shifted his attention back to the stone slab. 

“What I’m trying to say is, you were right. It did get better in the future.

And I’m so happy that I’m still alive.”


End file.
